Oh Crap, I Have a Toddler: Recap for the Parents Who Need It
Cameron joined our family 5 months ago and it has been quite a transition for our 2 bigger boys (Calvin is now 4.5 and Brooks is now 2.5.) So much so that I realized I needed to learn more about what was happening and how to help improve some things so I wasn’t ending each day thinking “well, this isn’t fun.” I KNOW ~the days are long and the years are short~ but I also want these days to feel wonderful and fun as much as possible!
I fortunately stumbled upon Oh Crap! I Have a Toddler - written by Jamie Glowacki who also wrote Oh Crap! Potty Training. Going into it I knew I’d want to recap some highlights for my husband and it turns out I highlighted almost the entire book, so this synthesis should be a fun process.
What I’ve ended up with here is a cheat sheet - something I can skim when my kids are losing it, I am tired, and I need a reminder of what is actually happening developmentally vs "my child is a terror."
If you have kids aged 2-5, feel free to also use it to:
Reset your brain on hard days
Share with your partner so you are not the only one who "knows the book"
Remember that toddler chaos is normal, and you are not failing
1. Boundaries: If You Feel Resentful, Something Is Off
The book basically says: if you feel exhausted, used, and resentful, your boundaries are probably too loose.
Toddlers are wired to push until they find the edges. If there are no edges, they keep going. That is where we get:
A million "one more" requests
Saying yes when we want to say no
Caving after whining and then feeling gross about it
The big idea:
You are the grown up.
You hold the "power wand" because you know more and can see further.
A no is a no. A yes is a yes. Both are fine. What matters is that you meant it.
Example I use:
"Last time we got candy at checkout. Sometimes we do that. Today we will not, so please do not ask."
And then I do not buy the candy.
If you notice you are snapping at everyone, it is usually not that your kid is terrible. It is that you said yes when you wanted to say no, five times in a row.
2. Connection: Their Behavior Is A Gas Tank Problem
The book talks about kids having an "emotional gas tank." When it is full, they:
Listen better
Play more independently
Melt down less
We think we spend a lot of time with them. But being in the same room is not the same as actually connecting.
Connection does not have to be long. It has to be focused.
Quick ways to fill the tank:
Engaged reading during the day
Not bedtime survival reading. Pick one book, sit on the floor, ask questions, be playful.Play Doh or coloring for 10 minutes
Sit with them, narrate your own play. "I am making the longest snake. What are you making?"Chitchat in bed or on the couch
Lie down together and just talk. It is nothing fancy, but it counts a lot.Let them help in the kitchen
Stirring, pouring, baking. Not because it is efficient, but because you are doing something together.
Then consciously step out:
"I have five more minutes to play. Do you want to build one last thing together?
Okay, now I am going to do some work on my phone. You can keep playing. We will clean up later."
You are teaching them:
I am here.
I connect with you.
I also have my own life.
It is also helpful to literally say:
"I feel disconnected from you, want to read a book together?"
"I feel really connected to you right now, that was fun."
It gives you both language for what is actually going on.
Also: phones absolutely wreck connection. I say that as someone who is very guilty of scrolling.
3. You Are A Human, Not A Parenting Martyr
One of the big themes of the book: if you put yourself last all the time, everything eventually breaks.
The author talks about 3 types of "self care":
You as a person
Sleep, food, moving your body, hobbies that feel like you, not just laundry and dishes.Your relationship
Treat the relationship as a third thing you are both responsible for. Not something that runs on fumes while you "get everything else done."The family as a whole
Does everyone feel like they belong to something together, or is it just logistics and chaos.
If you always skip meals, never sit down, and joke about "running on fumes," your kids are watching that too.
You matter. Not only as "Mom" but as an actual person.
4. Tantrums and Triggers: When It Is Actually About Us
Toddlers having big emotions sometimes is normal. Constant explosions are usually a sign something deeper is going on.
The helpful part from the book for me:
Separate "bad child" from "bad behavior."
The behavior can be awful. That does not mean they are awful.Notice your own triggers. When you go from 0 to 100, it is often:
Some old stuff from your own childhood getting poked, or
A core value of yours being stomped on (respect, honesty, order, whatever your top ones are)
I like this reframe:
"My child is not giving me a hard time. My child is having a hard time."
And also:
"What value of mine is getting set on fire right now?"
It does not excuse the behavior, but it helps you deal with it like a grown up instead of another toddler.
5. Independence and Life Skills: Less Princess, More Dishwasher
Our kids are craving independence, not more themed activity packs.
By 3 to 4, they can start doing actual things:
Getting dressed and dealing with inside out clothes
Choosing clothes from 2 options
Setting and clearing the table
Getting their own water from a small pitcher
Helping make simple food
Wiping surfaces, little bits of vacuuming, cleaning the toilet (weirdly popular)
This is not just about "helping." It is about teaching:
You are part of this family.
What you do matters here.
Other people are not your staff.
It also takes some load off you, which you deserve.
6. Let Them Take Reasonable Risks
The book is very clear: kids need physical risk to grow real confidence.
If we constantly say "be careful" and rush in to fix everything, they learn:
"I cannot handle this."
"I need an adult for everything."
Instead of "be careful" on repeat, try:
"Notice how those rocks are slippery."
"Do you feel steady on that branch?"
"What is your plan for getting down?"
You are training their awareness, not shutting down the experience.
They will get a few bumps and scrapes. That is normal. That is literally how they learn their own limits.
7. Free Play, Deep Play, And Boredom (Your Friend, Not Your Enemy)
We are all scared of the sentence "I am bored." Especially if we are trying to keep the house quiet or get something done.
The book’s take:
Boredom is where creativity actually happens.
If you always step in with activities and entertainment, you will end up with a bigger kid who constantly asks, "What should I do now?"
Free play is:
No adult directing
No pre set "activity"
Just time and space for them to make up whatever weird thing their brain wants.
When they whine "I am bored":
You do not need to fix it.
A simple "Hmm, yeah, sometimes we feel bored. I bet you will think of something" is enough.
It sounds mean. It is not. You are giving them a chance to build a brain.
8. Learning vs Education: Stop Panicking About Academics
Preschool kids are amazing learners. That does not mean they need to be ahead of grade level in everything at age three.
The book is pretty blunt that early reading does not give a long term advantage and that we are rushing academics way too soon.
Better things to focus on:
Big movement: climbing, swinging, jumping, floor is lava, ninja stuff
Open ended art: real supplies, real mess, no "it has to look like this"
Building and tinkering: Legos, marble runs, tape, scissors, junk from the recycling bin
Imagination and storytelling
When they show you something they made, instead of guessing and getting it wrong:
"Can you tell me about it?"
And then actually listen.
Your job is to create space for exploration, not great Instagram photos.
9. Listening, Shoes, And Their Tiny Executive Function
The book explains why "put on your shoes" somehow takes 19 minutes and 3 threats.
Toddlers are still learning:
How to process words in order
How to break tasks into steps
How to stay focused with distractions everywhere
Also: it can take them up to 45 seconds to actually hear you, process the words, and decide what to do.
What helps:
Go to them.
Get down at their level.
Eye contact.
Fewer words.
Instead of:
"We are late, my boss will be mad, can you please listen, I already told you, we have to go."
Try:
"Shoes on."
"Shoes, then car."
If they are in deep play, first join them for a minute:
Watch what they are doing.
Comment or ask a question.
Then say, "In two minutes, we are going to pause this and put on shoes."
Timers, simple routines on a whiteboard, and repeating the same simple scripts help a lot.
10. Transitions: Toddler Time Is Just Slower
Almost all of our daily battles live in transitions:
Leaving the park
Leaving the house
Walking away from the TV
Getting ready for bed
The fix is not magical:
Start earlier than feels reasonable.
Warning prompts that are short.
Break everything down.
Example script for an outing:
"We will go to the library.
We will read one book.
Then we will go potty.
Then we will read two more books.
Then we will check out our books and leave quietly."
Before you roll your eyes at how scripted that is: it works.
In the moment, you simplify:
"One more book, then potty."
"Now potty."
"Now two more books."
Is it slow? Yes.
Is it slower than a 25 minute meltdown because you tried to yank them out of deep play? No.
11. Food and Sleep: Two Easy Tweaks
Two things that changed a lot for us:
Move "dinner" earlier for kids
Most toddlers are starving at 4 pm and feral at 6:30.
The book suggests:
Feed them a real dinner at 4 or 5.
At family dinner time, they sit with you, have a lighter "second dinner" or snack and connect.
This:
Handles the hunger when it actually shows up
Makes evenings and bedtime much calmer
Assume bedtime is too late
If bedtime is a disaster, it is almost always because we waited too long.
Every toddler who has ever lived has said, "I am not tired" while barely conscious.
Helpful script:
"I know you are not tired, and it is time for bed."
You do not have to get into a debate about their energy levels.
12. Discipline That Teaches Instead Of Making You Both Miserable
The book is very anti huge punishments and anti "if you do this, then you get that" bribery in the middle of chaos.
Big principles:
Do not threaten things you are not willing to do.
Consequences should be immediate, small, and related to what actually happened.
Examples:
Throwing blocks → blocks go away.
Being a terror during TV → TV off.
Hitting with a toy → toy goes on top of the fridge.
Time out is reframed as a break:
"It looks like your silly is too big right now. You need a break. Do you want a break with me or by yourself?"
For your own anger:
Name what is happening.
"When you hit your brother, I get really mad. I am going to take a break and calm down, then I will talk to you."
Whisper instead of yelling. They physically have to quiet down to hear you.
You do not have to be the perfect calm parent. You just have to own your stuff and follow through.
13. The Short Version For Exhausted Days
If you are fried and do not remember any of this, here is what I remind myself:
My kid needs connection, not more lectures.
Firm, kind boundaries actually make everyone feel safer.
Slow down transitions. Build in way more time than feels reasonable.
Give them real responsibilities and real play.
Use fewer words and more eye contact.
I am allowed to matter too.
And finally, my favorite idea from the book:
You are probably not going to screw this up. Love your kid, stay connected, and adjust when things are not working.
Also, sleep more.